The Grammar Slam: The Oxford Comma.

Maybe you have heard of it; the elusive and legendary comma that has always been classified as 'optional.'  In a list, the Oxford comma, or serial comma, precedes the coordinating conjunction (usually and or or), effectively separating the final two items in a list.

No doubt you have been programmed, like all the mindless grammar robots turned out by the school systems in this great nation, to disregard this last comma.  However, the Oxford comma is imperative to correctly interpreting the meaning of sentences.

If the last two objects in a list are unrelated -- like genocide and Portugal -- then the Oxford comma proves less vital.  *I'm only afraid of breakfast nooks, genocide and Portugal.*  With or without the comma, the meaning is unchanged because genocide and Portugal are obviously two separate fears.  The comma does become important, however, when the two items are somewhat related and could be considered an appositive.  Let's say I have disdain for Kim Jong-il and Hillary Clinton.  *I have nothing but the utmost contempt for my parents, Kim Jong-il and Hillary Clinton.*  Are my parents Kim Jong-il and Hillary Rodham Clinton?  Of course not, that would effectively make me the anti-Christ, but it's still confusing.

Try to decipher these sentences.  Do they need an Oxford comma or are they appositives?    

• My brother had a great time at the party with his new friends, a race horse and a dwarf.
• Charlie loves his wife, a school teacher and a poet.
• I absolutely will not involve myself with these condiments, nutmeg and convicted murderers.
• I wish I had the time to do what I love, get drunk and eat bacon.
• There are many things on this earth we should be thankful for, some we should condemn and others forget.  
• It would be nice if I had more time for my dogs, Hamlet and Goose.  

Take time for the Oxford comma; it could change your world, Wisconsin and Southern France.

Jamie Michelle

We've Been Fearing in the Past.

Monday morning, Harvard Professor Dr. Mark Landon stumbled across a filing cabinet filled with research of a forgotten study the University had been conducting.  In April 1791, a Harvard study over the human propensity to fear began with a simple survey and has been an ongoing, if somewhat forgotten, project until last Tuesday.

Started by a group of students, the study sought to find not only what people were most afraid of but how the brain processes and develops fear.  First presented around the campus, the survey contained a simple open-answer question, "What do you fear?"  The responses varied widely until a large base of information was collected.  And then the tallying began.

For decades, the results were collected, disputed and filed while researchers tried to develop theories about the brain's decision of fear and its fear-based choices.  The study fell to the wayside when researchers found they were no closer to an answer than they had been centuries ago and were not likely to find any conclusive results.  As of Friday, no further information on the researcher's conclusions about the human brain were released, but, after a long rest in a filing cabinet, the survey was closed and the results were published via The Harvard Review. . .  Which is read by no one.

The most interesting of the results are as follows, from most to least feared:

• The fear of having one's children accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake. 
• The fear of being spirited away by nymphs or faeries.
• Nuclear War. 
•  Whigs.
• The fear of being overcome with the vapors as a result of an invigorating, puritanical sermon.
• The fear of an amputation wound getting infected. 
• Inguns.
• Walk-men.
• Slave uprisings.
• The headless horseman in the next town.
• Cats.
• Repercussions of the Civil War. 
• The black mold growing in the corner of the shower.
• Vehicles/Witchcraft.
• Hitler.
• Smelling salts.
• Flappers/Women's Rights.
• Phonographs/Record players.
• Computer virus.
• Polio.
• Jimmy Carter.
• Asian People.
• Communism/Russia/China.
• Death. 
• Spiders.

Because the study covered more than three decades, and was forgotten as time passed, the results are antiquated and quite useless to the research at hand. 

Jamie Michelle

Taco Hell Fights For Their Right to "Party."

Have you ever pondered why Taco Bell's prices keep getting lower and lower as new products are introduced to the public for their consumption? Have you taken a bite out of a Taco Bell chalupa lately? Well, you might not want to dismiss the abnormal debris you pick out of your Taco Bell purchases.

Earlier this week, a lawsuit filed by an Alabama law firm accused Taco Bell for falsely labeling their savory bits of cow as "meat." The restaurant advertises that their meat products are 100% USDA inspected. After the lawsuit had been filed, Taco Bell representative, Jose Philippe, stated that their meat products are "no different than the meat you feed your dog at the dinner table. You wouldn't feed them low quality meat."

Regardless of the claims made by Jose and Taco Bell employees, the meat used in the products were transferred to a local laboratory to be tested to find out the exact percentage of meat used in Taco Bell products. After careful evaluation, coroner Leslie Baker, stated, "after painstakingly analyzing each crevasse of the taco meat provided for testing, 33% was found to be actual beef."

"The potential legal liability is thin" says Philippe. Taco Bell would be required to have a scientific study involving twenty men, twenty woman and three Chihuahuas to prove that they actually expect to be getting quality meat in their seventy-five cent taco. Who would be honest enough to give up their favorite cheap entrées? All signs point to a victory for Taco Bell. I mean, have you seen our economy lately?

Followers, I ask you, what are you having for dinner tonight? Until next time, peace, love and beef.

- Christen Marie

Having Problems Keeping Your Woman in the Kitchen?

In an attempt to make a name for himself, former 2007 D&D Champion of New Jersey, Mitch Youngberg, sets out to make the first woman that'll do as you command, without drawn out arguments involving the phrases, "you're being selfish," and, "you aren't listening to the words I'm saying."

The fem-bot, named Roxxxy, will no doubt blow your mind!  With her stringy hair from authentic African children, her ability to sense your touch, and her mind-blowing list of seven all time favorite phrases, she's the ideal woman.  How would this robot be able to function just like your woman (who should be in the kitchen) but better, you ask?

Cleverly crafted cables coming from her back, which connect to your own personal laptop, allow you to easily access all of her breathtaking moves, delicious recipes and disable her voice modulator at any time.  Why the need for cables? If she's better than your woman, she should know what to do.  Many men questioned the creator, the aforementioned Youngberg, during the free trials from your local QVC channel.  Youngberg simply answered, "what's better than complete control over your woman?"

Does this sound enticing? Enticing enough for the small asking price of $7,000 - $9,000? You be the judge.

Until next time, be a man and go relieve your woman of her kitchen duties.

- Christen Marie.

The Grammar Slam: Adjectives.

Take a second to assess your faculties.  Are you a native speaker of American Standard English?  Non-native speakers will, no doubt, encounter adjective placement problems.  One adjective is easy, but it's also no fun.  Native speakers will find that they already possess tacit knowledge about much of grammar, and, therefore, will find this useless.  Unless they're absolutely dense.

When listed, adjectives follow a strict order: article, evaluation, size, length/shape, age, color, nationality, religion, material, noun-adjective, and then, finally, the noun modified.  This task can be daunting, and that's why I devised an easily remembered phrase that should assist you in your writings.

The attractive small round red Russian Catholic wooden kitchen table looks great in my new breakfast nook.  Table being the noun modified.

However, if the adjectives listed belong to the same category -- the delicious, attractive, hostile, careless kitchen table was convicted of murder -- they have to be separated by commas.

All you have to do is remember: The Attractive Small Round Red Russian Catholic Wooden Kitchen Table.  TASRRRCWKT.  Simple.

Need help?  A great anagram for this acronym is STWARRRCKT.  (Just don't forget to put them back in order!)

I'm super stwarked about this!

Jamie Michelle

Beaver Fever: Never Sing, Ever.

Justin Bieber - "Never Say Never"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz0F0C3o9hk

At first glance, one would question, is this a song about Pokemon? Are the lyrics in this song suppose to teach us a lesson, or give some meaning to our mundane existence? To get these answers, we'll take a moment to dissect the cleverly crafted sentences, one horrifying fragment at a time.

"You see I never thought that I could walk through fire
I never thought that I could take a burn
I never had the strength to take it higher
Until I reached the point of no return"

Well, Bieber, although I would commend you for realizing you are not invincible, I am absolutely appalled that you question your fans intelligence levels. After all, twelve year old girls are full of infinite wisdom and intellectual charm.

"And there's just no turnin back
When your heart's under attack
Gonna give everything I have
It's my destiny"

"There's just no turnin back" suggests to his listeners that during Bieber's journey through the flames of Hell, or rather, flaming crowds, he made the realization that once you go Smith, you never go back. And this brings me to my final lyric analysis.

"Here we go
Guess who
J Smith and JB
uh huh
I got you lil' bro
I can handle him
Hold up, I, I can handle him
Now he's bigger than me, taller than me
And he's older than me, and stronger than me
And his arms are little bit longer than me
But it ain't on a JB song with me
I be tryna chill
They be tryna side with the thrill
No pun intended was raised by the power of will
Like Luke with the force if push comes to shove
Like Kobe with the fourth, ice water with blood (Let's go!)
I gotta be the best
And yes we're the flyest
Like David and Goliath
I conquered the giant
So now I got the world in my hand
I was born from two stars
So the moon's where I land"

Jaden Smith, beloved son of well known actor, Will Smith, makes his appearance in this song a combative one. Sentences such as, "I got you lil' bro" and "I gotta be the best," suggest to Bieber's follows that Justin Fever may not be too hot in the coming year.

As I end this, I want to warn our followers : "Jaden Fever, Gotta Catch Em All."

- Christen Marie

Checkers: Retarded Chess or Clever Tiddly Winks.

MARBLE FALLS, TX --  After playing checkers for the first time, Canadian tourist, Emmaline Banks, discovered the dirty secret Chess has been hiding from scholars for centuries; checkers.  The bastard child of the popular strategy game, checkers has been entertaining children and adults for the better part of three centuries, yet illuding the Canadian resident for her entire life.

When first introduced to the board game found in the corner of the familiar coffee shop, Banks was unsure whether she should "engage in such folly," as it appeared to be a part of the quaint decor.

"The board was painted with squares like a chess board," Banks asserted, "But the pieces were flat and rudimentary like an American child."

A regional chess champion, Banks delved into the game with all the vigor that can be expected of a seventy-three year old retired librarian.  Even after several brutal losses to her American companion, Banks stuck to the game, showing amazing determination to become a 'checkers master.'

"The pieces move so easily,"  Banks exclaimed as she held up a single checker, "there's barely any thought to it, no L-shapes or silly little castles, just a single diagonal move."

Added banks as she drifted back into the black and red world, "It's genius."

At nine o'clock, Banks, along with her companion, were forced out of the coffee shop with a new view on life and the American way.

Jamie Michelle