Taco Hell Fights For Their Right to "Party."

Have you ever pondered why Taco Bell's prices keep getting lower and lower as new products are introduced to the public for their consumption? Have you taken a bite out of a Taco Bell chalupa lately? Well, you might not want to dismiss the abnormal debris you pick out of your Taco Bell purchases.

Earlier this week, a lawsuit filed by an Alabama law firm accused Taco Bell for falsely labeling their savory bits of cow as "meat." The restaurant advertises that their meat products are 100% USDA inspected. After the lawsuit had been filed, Taco Bell representative, Jose Philippe, stated that their meat products are "no different than the meat you feed your dog at the dinner table. You wouldn't feed them low quality meat."

Regardless of the claims made by Jose and Taco Bell employees, the meat used in the products were transferred to a local laboratory to be tested to find out the exact percentage of meat used in Taco Bell products. After careful evaluation, coroner Leslie Baker, stated, "after painstakingly analyzing each crevasse of the taco meat provided for testing, 33% was found to be actual beef."

"The potential legal liability is thin" says Philippe. Taco Bell would be required to have a scientific study involving twenty men, twenty woman and three Chihuahuas to prove that they actually expect to be getting quality meat in their seventy-five cent taco. Who would be honest enough to give up their favorite cheap entrées? All signs point to a victory for Taco Bell. I mean, have you seen our economy lately?

Followers, I ask you, what are you having for dinner tonight? Until next time, peace, love and beef.

- Christen Marie

Having Problems Keeping Your Woman in the Kitchen?

In an attempt to make a name for himself, former 2007 D&D Champion of New Jersey, Mitch Youngberg, sets out to make the first woman that'll do as you command, without drawn out arguments involving the phrases, "you're being selfish," and, "you aren't listening to the words I'm saying."

The fem-bot, named Roxxxy, will no doubt blow your mind!  With her stringy hair from authentic African children, her ability to sense your touch, and her mind-blowing list of seven all time favorite phrases, she's the ideal woman.  How would this robot be able to function just like your woman (who should be in the kitchen) but better, you ask?

Cleverly crafted cables coming from her back, which connect to your own personal laptop, allow you to easily access all of her breathtaking moves, delicious recipes and disable her voice modulator at any time.  Why the need for cables? If she's better than your woman, she should know what to do.  Many men questioned the creator, the aforementioned Youngberg, during the free trials from your local QVC channel.  Youngberg simply answered, "what's better than complete control over your woman?"

Does this sound enticing? Enticing enough for the small asking price of $7,000 - $9,000? You be the judge.

Until next time, be a man and go relieve your woman of her kitchen duties.

- Christen Marie.

The Grammar Slam: Adjectives.

Take a second to assess your faculties.  Are you a native speaker of American Standard English?  Non-native speakers will, no doubt, encounter adjective placement problems.  One adjective is easy, but it's also no fun.  Native speakers will find that they already possess tacit knowledge about much of grammar, and, therefore, will find this useless.  Unless they're absolutely dense.

When listed, adjectives follow a strict order: article, evaluation, size, length/shape, age, color, nationality, religion, material, noun-adjective, and then, finally, the noun modified.  This task can be daunting, and that's why I devised an easily remembered phrase that should assist you in your writings.

The attractive small round red Russian Catholic wooden kitchen table looks great in my new breakfast nook.  Table being the noun modified.

However, if the adjectives listed belong to the same category -- the delicious, attractive, hostile, careless kitchen table was convicted of murder -- they have to be separated by commas.

All you have to do is remember: The Attractive Small Round Red Russian Catholic Wooden Kitchen Table.  TASRRRCWKT.  Simple.

Need help?  A great anagram for this acronym is STWARRRCKT.  (Just don't forget to put them back in order!)

I'm super stwarked about this!

Jamie Michelle

Beaver Fever: Never Sing, Ever.

Justin Bieber - "Never Say Never"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz0F0C3o9hk

At first glance, one would question, is this a song about Pokemon? Are the lyrics in this song suppose to teach us a lesson, or give some meaning to our mundane existence? To get these answers, we'll take a moment to dissect the cleverly crafted sentences, one horrifying fragment at a time.

"You see I never thought that I could walk through fire
I never thought that I could take a burn
I never had the strength to take it higher
Until I reached the point of no return"

Well, Bieber, although I would commend you for realizing you are not invincible, I am absolutely appalled that you question your fans intelligence levels. After all, twelve year old girls are full of infinite wisdom and intellectual charm.

"And there's just no turnin back
When your heart's under attack
Gonna give everything I have
It's my destiny"

"There's just no turnin back" suggests to his listeners that during Bieber's journey through the flames of Hell, or rather, flaming crowds, he made the realization that once you go Smith, you never go back. And this brings me to my final lyric analysis.

"Here we go
Guess who
J Smith and JB
uh huh
I got you lil' bro
I can handle him
Hold up, I, I can handle him
Now he's bigger than me, taller than me
And he's older than me, and stronger than me
And his arms are little bit longer than me
But it ain't on a JB song with me
I be tryna chill
They be tryna side with the thrill
No pun intended was raised by the power of will
Like Luke with the force if push comes to shove
Like Kobe with the fourth, ice water with blood (Let's go!)
I gotta be the best
And yes we're the flyest
Like David and Goliath
I conquered the giant
So now I got the world in my hand
I was born from two stars
So the moon's where I land"

Jaden Smith, beloved son of well known actor, Will Smith, makes his appearance in this song a combative one. Sentences such as, "I got you lil' bro" and "I gotta be the best," suggest to Bieber's follows that Justin Fever may not be too hot in the coming year.

As I end this, I want to warn our followers : "Jaden Fever, Gotta Catch Em All."

- Christen Marie

Checkers: Retarded Chess or Clever Tiddly Winks.

MARBLE FALLS, TX --  After playing checkers for the first time, Canadian tourist, Emmaline Banks, discovered the dirty secret Chess has been hiding from scholars for centuries; checkers.  The bastard child of the popular strategy game, checkers has been entertaining children and adults for the better part of three centuries, yet illuding the Canadian resident for her entire life.

When first introduced to the board game found in the corner of the familiar coffee shop, Banks was unsure whether she should "engage in such folly," as it appeared to be a part of the quaint decor.

"The board was painted with squares like a chess board," Banks asserted, "But the pieces were flat and rudimentary like an American child."

A regional chess champion, Banks delved into the game with all the vigor that can be expected of a seventy-three year old retired librarian.  Even after several brutal losses to her American companion, Banks stuck to the game, showing amazing determination to become a 'checkers master.'

"The pieces move so easily,"  Banks exclaimed as she held up a single checker, "there's barely any thought to it, no L-shapes or silly little castles, just a single diagonal move."

Added banks as she drifted back into the black and red world, "It's genius."

At nine o'clock, Banks, along with her companion, were forced out of the coffee shop with a new view on life and the American way.

Jamie Michelle